c c c c c c c c c c c c

Mike- I emailed you.

Okay, so I'm up for a review from rainbow-rev@diaryland. I'm excited.

My entire family went to nashville shores. Fun times. It was very nice and relaxing not having anyone here. I cannot wait until I move. And hopefully (hint, hint, mike) that will actually happen.

And for the big question: What happens if I can't move out to Colorado? I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Today I ran into a mutual friend of Jon and mine at Books-A-Million, and then I overheard her telling her boyfriend later that I was Jon's "crazy old roomate. You know, the one that lost it and had an abortion, but didn't tell Jon?" I turned the aisle so I could get a good look at her, looking right back at me. I simply told her how nice it is to have friends at a time like this, and walked away. People are absolutely rude.
I suppose I could make a downpayment on a car, here, and get an apartment, go to school and be that lonely girl that I have been for the past several years. I don't know why I think Colorado will change me. I don't know why I think I will be happy there. I just know that people are different, they are so judgemental, and they aren't so cunning. Of course, I'm probably fooling myself. Locations don't change people, and people don't change because of their location. It just seems more peaceful there, somewhere that I can belong, and just live my life the way I want to. And how is that? Without so much drama, without so much pain, without so much hurt. I need a new begining. I need a place where I can be myself, my real self, and not this strong girl that I've fooled people with for years. I'm weak sometimes, and I get scared. I need someone to hold me, and I realize this now. I pushed Jon away. That is my fault. We didn't work out because I didn't let it. And when I realized that I wanted to be with him more than anything in my life, it was too late. I fucked it up. And I know that now. And I hate that I let that chance get away. But it did. And it's in the past now, and there isn't a damned thing I can do now to change it.

But I can change how I want my future. I know that I want to be loved, and I know that I have to love myself first. I just don't think I can living here. I have too much negative here. I have made too much negative here.
Jessica wanted out so badly, she wasnt happy here, she wanted a fresh start, and that's what she got. A fresh start, and she seems alot happier when she's there. She seems misserable when she's here. I'm not misserable, but I'm just not happy.

This isnt supposed to be a talk myself to death deal, and that's what it's turning into. So, now, I will leave you with this:

Why is it that your ring finger is connected to your heart, but it's the weakest finger on your hand?

The things that I think of while working with children.

I'm so happy to be back working.